just trying to ride
i was scrolling through threads the other day and came across a post that hit me like a ton of bricks. ever since my diagnosis of ADHD earlier this year, I’ve been following a number of ADHD-centric accounts that range from just straight up memes to actual helpful advice and strategies. it’s been so crucial for me in terms of learning to work with my ADHD and it’s also given me a sense of community, hell i’ve even talked about a podcast on ADHD that brought me to tears because it was the first time i had felt completely understood and not like a lonely fuck-up that can’t seem to get his shit together. anyway, the thread in question…
i fucking love riding my bike. that should be a surprise to approximately zero people reading this right now. for the last 10+ years it’s been one of my favorite ways to decompress. there are moments on every ride i’m on, regardless of how brutal it is, where i start to smile uncontrollably just because that’s the way riding my bike makes me feel. prior to the entire world shutting down, i was getting in 100 miles a week at the bare minimum and in probably the best cardiovascular shape i’ve been in my entire life — hell, i even ran the 2019 chicago marathon, my first and most likely only ever marathon. since then, it’s been a struggle for me to ride more than one day a week and there are often times that an entire month goes by without me hopping on the bike, which feels strange to me. how was it that i could go from 100+ miles a week to sometimes 0 miles in a month?
i’m confident there are a number of contributing factors — the first and most obvious to me during this time was work stress. my 9-5 was in the bike industry. in 2019 my love, passion, and escape, also became my livelihood which i soon realized was a double edged sword. on the one hand, holy shit bikes are my life and i can’t believe i’m getting paid to go to bike races and event, organize group rides, and get to work with some of my favorite athletes. on the other hand, when things were stressful at work and i turned to my bike as an escape, a release, it more often then not just brought on intrusive work thoughts. work involved bikes, so on the bike, work would come up. i slowly found myself withdrawing from getting out and riding. sure, you can factor in the stress of a global pandemic yada yada yada, but there was also a bike BOOM happening at the same time. the roads were empty. when i did get out to ride it was like this magic car-free wonderland. i remember cruising down a completely deserted hollywood blvd and not once having to be worried about a distracted influencer doing an ig live while they cruised around la completely oblivious. so why was it becoming so difficult for me to get in the saddle?
during that same time period is when i was first officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. i’d also been researching ADHD and was convinced it would be a large contributing factor to my overall mental wellbeing. unfortunately, my psychiatrist at the time didn’t seem to believe any of the ADHD symptoms i was describing had anything to do with ADHD and it would be 3 years until i finally found a doctor that would listen to me.
during the course of those 3 years, my riding became less and less frequent. i would often beat myself up internally with thoughts of laziness, “just fucking do it, idiot”, and it became this self-defeating cycle — “i should ride -> oh, look at the lazy piece of shit that didn’t ride, AGAIN.” anyone that’s ever been trapped in one of these self-defeating doom loops knows all to well how difficult it can be to break that cycle. that’s where my mindfulness and meditation practice can come in really helpful. emotional regulation is something many with ADHD have a tendency to struggle with — i for one feel things incredibly deeply and often even the perceived notion of a even a minor slight can send me on a terrible spiral. then when it turns out the call is coming from inside the house and i’m the one saying the hurtful things to myself, that’s a recipe for disaster. my practice has allowed me to sit with difficult feelings and process them rather than react to them. in meditation and buddhism, the word for that is equanimity. i’ll save more on equanimity for another post, but i absolutely had to mention the role mindfulness and meditation has played in getting me back on the bike in a more consistent manner.
so lets return to that thread from the top of this post. when i saw it the other day something in me just clicked. a factor i hadn’t considered, and frankly didn’t even know to consider given the late diagnosis, was my ADHD. I knew that I struggled with task paralysis, procrastination, and time-blindness, but for the most part i only applied these obstacles to day to day basic activities needed to live: work, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc. it wasn’t until i saw that thread that it occurred to me, my adhd is playing a large role in why it’s a struggle to hop back on the bike sometimes.
if you’re not following @sadvelol.cc on threads, you’re clearly missing out.
there have been times that i’ve gotten fully kitted up, filled my bottles, loaded up a route on my garmin, only to sit down on the couch before walking out the door and staying there for hours until i finally come up with an excuse like, “ah, little too toasty out there today” or “on second thought, it might rain — weather app says there’s a 15% chance.” for me it feels the exact same way as when i can’t bring myself to write a quick email. stare at my screen all day knowing that i should send it and then the next thing i know it’s 5pm and it’s time to logoff, so i decide i’ll send it tomorrow instead — dear reader you know damn well i didn’t send that email the next day either.
so, what is it that i’m doing to try and combat this moving forward? well for starters i already mentioned my mindfulness and meditation practice. i’ve spent a lot of time over the last month or so focusing on compassion — not just toward others, but with a real focus on myself. two of those practices that come to mind are metta, or loving-kindness meditation, and just like me practice. loving-kindness is a simple practice that focuses on the repetition of specific phrases. for me, those phrases include, “may i be safe, be healthy, be happy, and live with ease.” from there you move on to offering those same phrases to a friend or loved one. in some cases, depending on my practice that day, i’ll move on to offer up loving-kindness to a neutral person and then to a difficult person, eventually repeating those same phrases and directing that loving-kindness to all beings everywhere. for me, it allows me to feel a sense of ease and more importantly connection to all living things and damn can that be powerful.
just like me is a practice in which you call to mind another person, it can be someone you know, a friend or loved one, a difficult person you struggle with, or a random celebrity — yeah you do “just like me” while holding space for sepp kuss in your mind. in this practice you bring that person to mind and then say small phrases such as, “this person has known happiness and joy, just like me” or “this person has struggled and worked hard, just like me”, even “this person loves to ride bikes, just like me.” it’s a simple and powerful practice that leaves me feeling connected and a lot less lonely.
sepp kuss, just like me.
there’s another little something i decided to do last week…get my indoor trainer set-up again. more often than not i feel like have to be “productive” during the week which often times leads me to feeling guilty if i pop out for a later morning or afternoon ride. the idea of setting up my trainer out in the garage again was to give me the chance to get some kind of a ride in whenever i feel the urge — hop on the bike and get in 20 miles at 7PM on a tuesday in december when it gets dark out at 4? fuck yeah. it’s also a lot safer to get lost in some netflix or a podcast while i’m on the bike which makes the trainer ride seem way more tolerable — not exactly the most mindful practice, but in this instance i’m fucking here for it. last week, i logged 3 rides for the week, two on the trainer and one outside — i think the last time i logged 3 rides in a single week was back in august while i was out at gravel worlds in lincoln, ne. i’m counting that as a win.
all in all, i’m finding new ways to find my way to the bike and being kinder to myself on the days i don’t make it happen. i’m rekindling my love of riding now that it’s been decoupled from my day job…part of me hopes to make it my day job again, but i’m also developing a much healthier relationship to work, but that’s a whole ass post for another time. i’m just stoked to be falling in love with my bike all over again.
