getting back in the saddle
2020 was a dumpster fire of a year. I feel like I don’t even have to say that, but it bares repeating. from the outside looking in, it wasn’t all that rough for me — kept my job, kept my relationship, still have my corgi, and so far I’ve remained covid free. but there’s a certain toll getting yanked out of your routine, not seeing friends or family, staying home and inside can take on you. for a while, as it had been before covid, riding my bike was something of a a release — I could be having a rough day, hop in the saddle and let go of everything.
I’ve struggled with depression for almost as long as I can remember, but it wasn’t until June of 2020 that I was actually diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a nice little side of anxiety. i started medication and seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. my riding had become non-existent. there were no races or fondos to train for, no group rides to keep tempo with, and with that came a complete loss of motivation. I went from 100+ miles a week to 0 almost overnight. the longer I stayed away from riding, the easier it was to make excuses not to. I would get a few rides in here and there, maybe take the fixed gear to the grocery store, or “compete” in a virtual race, but it was a far cry from where I was. then, on a random coffee ride in mid-september, I crashed. that was all I needed to call it quits for the rest of 2020.
so, where was I supposed to go from there? study after study shows the positive impact that exercise, even cycling specifically, has on your mental health. for me, riding was always a mood booster, an escape, some place where I felt complete freedom, an act that could turn a shit day into something worthwhile. it’s been part of me for a long time — hell, my business cards literally say “the bike guy (with beard)”. I missed riding, but every time my alarm went off i’d hit snooze, or check the weather and decide it was too cold or looked like rain (which is hilarious because I live in LA). so, I decided to make it one of the main discussion points during therapy. why wasn’t I riding and how could I get back to it?
for me, it soon became clear that it was fear that was holding me back. it wasn’t fear of crashing — no I’d walked away relatively unscathed and my bike just needed some fresh bar tape. I knew that with each passing day, I slipped further and further from the rider I was and it wasn’t going to be easy getting back to form. I was terrified that once I got back to riding with people I’d be too slow to keep up. I was afraid that I wouldn’t find the will to dig deeper as I suffered up a climb. I was terrified that I’d find out I’m not at all the person I thought I was.
so, my therapist made a simple suggestion — go slow. not in the “you’re gonna be slow, so just do your best and be happy with it” sense but in the “literally try and go as slow as you can”. he suggested I go to my trusty climb in griffith park and try to get to the top as slow as I could.
as cliche as it is, on new year’s day, I took my first ride since 9/13/20 — new year, new me or some bullshit (but really there’s a lot of power in symbolism as dumb as it may sound). I rode 20 flat miles along the santa fe dam around azusa, ca. it was a beautiful day and I just took it all in and focused on just being present and reconnecting with the ride. the next day, I focused on working out off the bike — I’d just gotten AppleFitness+ hooked up and decided to tackle some core and strength training. on january 3rd, I rode my bike to griffith park.
as I pulled up to the base of trash truck to start the climb I was honestly fucking scared. intentionally going slow as I possibly could was the complete opposite of what every fiber of my being wanted me to do — there’s always a place you can dig deeper and get just a little bit more effort from, but that wasn’t the point of this. so, I geared waaaaaay down. just one shift away from my easiest ratio (wanted to leave a little wiggle room just in case I found myself in a wee bit of trouble) and i started the climb. 28:43 later I was done. the funny thing? it was 16 seconds faster than the very first time I ever made that climb.
it’s been about two weeks now and I’ve already got 177 miles under my belt in 2021. i can get wrapped up in comparison and look at stats from the past, but I just don’t care. I’m riding again. I keep catching myself day dreaming about the next route I’m going to take. I know I’ll have good weeks and bad weeks, but I’m latching onto that euphoria of the wind in my beard and knowing I can go anywhere I want. I just have to pedal.
